Almost every one of us has either wanted to, or actually has taken an “unauthorized absence” from work or school at some point. The key to doing this with impunity is to have a convincing excuse for your truancy. The very best pass is a note from a doctor. A doctor’s excuse explains why you were absent, how much time you will need to be return to 100% efficiency again, and what limitations you may have once you return to work. Doctors are trusted professionals whose integrity is rarely questioned. If you are contemplating getting an excuse from your doctor to cover yourself when you return to work, there are a few guidelines you should follow to save yourself embarrassment and possible job loss.

 
First of all, if your illness is going to be believable, it must be realistically something that you can return to work from with no lasting effects. It shouldn’t be so over the top that coworkers start whispering about how you almost died from a massive coronary at the water cooler chat session. Don’t try to make your excuse so elaborate that it could be made into a lifetime movie. Provide as few noteworthy details as possible. For example, “I have a stomach virus” is far preferable to, “I was walking my dog, when all of a sudden 15 paratroopers fell from the sky spraying biological weapons. As a result of this vicious attack, I have contracted the flu”

 
Once you have determined which illness or injury you intend to use as your excuse the tough part begins. Now you have to either find a doctor willing to write the bogus note, write it yourself, or get a friend to write it. If you try to write it yourself there is the question of stationery. There are forms on the internet you can print that look authentic. If you can write like a doctor, you have it licked. If you aren’t sure about trying to fool your boss with your own handwriting, enlist a friend to do it or you can try to find an actual doctor whose ethics are questionable. These doctors exist, and are readily available to write whatever bull hockey you ask them to for a fee. How to find them is another question. Maybe one of your seedier friends will know one right off hand; the only way to find out is to ask.

 
So now you have what you need to go back to work secure in the knowledge that due to your tomfoolery your job is secure for another day. Enjoy your doctors excuse!

The other night I had this very vivid dream.  I was walking down the street and I saw a college student completely covered in the texture of a cactus.  It scared me very much.  It was some odd sort of new fashion.  You couldn’t see his face at all. He was completely green with many spikes coming out, all over his body.